Two Gods and a Feathery Serpent

Hey all. No worries, "TGFS" will return shortly. The people who helped me make the previous entry are working on NaNoWriMo (look it up) until the end of November. Also, entries take a long time to edit and upload into HTML format.

Hopefully a new entry will appear within the coming weeks.

Thanks for understanding.

A butt-load of Aztec art can be found in my gallery. Also there is a fun Mexican artist on deviantART who has amazing work pertaining to those crazy gods.

See you soon!

RAE

Three Aztec gods(Fertility god Tlaloc, War god Huitzilopochtli and big-time god Quetzalcoatl)escaped the desimation of...themselves, while others were destroyed. Once pulling Quetzal out of the toilet, literally, and exploding a bar full of people, the three deities head towards a park with showers to get cleaned up(since they were kind of...all...covered in shit and stuff...) and try to figure things out.

Tlaloc sleeps under a tree while the other two are somewhere else getting cleaned up(since they were kind of...all...covered in shit and stuff...).Huitzil and Quetzal approach Tlaloc. They wake him because they are giggling maniacally. He sits up.

What did you two do now?
You tell him...
No way! You tell him!
You tell it so much better! Geehee!
Okay okay...
Guys...
Okay. So...Stop laughing, Quetzy!
I can't help it! Tee heeeee heeeeeeEEEE!!
You're going to wake the rest of these people up, now will you PLEASE tell me what you're laughing about?
All right. Well we found a tent.
Why do we need a tent?
Because we're camping!
CAMPING!!
Shhh!
All right...Fine. A tent. How did you get the tent?
Huh huh...Okay. So I was strolling by the campsites after showering and I saw this HUUUUGE tent! It's one of those three room tents!
We can each have our own room, Tlaloc!! GEEEEEE!!!
Why is he so hyper?
Lemme finish! So I see this woman and her little girl come out of it and I says to myself I says: Huitzil, you devil, I think it's time to get what you want and share it with your companions. And when I thought about what I wanted I realized I wanted that tent. Really bad. So I took the form of a very sexy man, not too different from what I look like now...Shut up, Quetzal!
Ha ha ha haaaaaa!
Dick! Shut up! I strolled on up to her and I laid down the smooth. I convinced her to send her kid down to the nearby lake while we, uh, had a discussion about the tent.
Huitzil did her, Tlaloc! He DID HER!!
SHUT UP! But, yeah, I did her. I was like BAM BAM BAM!! You love it! BAM! Bown-chicka-wown-wown! Sha-BOOM! Okay anyway, right at the moment of climax, when she was screaming her head off, I...You're gonna love this...
Tell him! Tell him!
I rammed a forty inch blade through her head! Oh! Right through her head! But...ha ha..But she was sooo happy!
...
Isn't that hilarious?! EEEEEEEEE!!
Ha ha...ah ha ha...yeah, it was great.
...
Ha...Tlaloc?
...
Lookit him! His eyes are all dialated!
YOU KILLED SOMEONE FOR A TENT?! AFTER RAPING HER?!!
Keep it down, you'll wake the other campers...What's your problem? We have a tent.
Buh..wha...How could you do something like that?! What about the little girl?!
EEEEEEEEHEEEEE! Tell him, tell him!
Shut up! Well you don't have to worry about her. I told Quetzal to wait in the lake.
SHEEEEE ATE A LOOOOOOOOOT OF CANDY, TLALOC!! I CAN TELL!!
Ha ha ha ha!
You ate that little girl didn't you?!
Oh wow! Watch! Whenever I move my tail, it leaves little rainbows! Pretty!! PRETTY!
You keep chasing your tail like that, you're gonna throw up! Ha ha ha!
Oh my God you two...
PRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTYPRETTY (Continue until further notice)
You are such assholes.
So come on! We have a tent now!
Tent...
Was that at all necessary?
Yes!
I made her happy and we have a tent.
*Quetzal pauses, takes a deep breath and continues his pretty rant.*
Hee hee, he's funny when he's cracked out on sugar.
I'm surrounded by idiots!
Where?
Look a tent...for camping...which we are doing.
Huitzl, what did you do with the body?
Uhm...About that.
*Quetzal hits the ground with a THUD.*
Uh oh.
*Groan*
He hit the low. Ha ha.
*Sob* They...they're all dead!
Lookit him cry. Heh heh.
Quetzy...Quetzy, stop crying
I failed them! *Horrible sobbing*
No let 'im cry!
You're not helping!
Hee hee!
So about that body, since you're not listening itmayormaynotbestillinthetentandmakingamess COUGH COUGH COUGH.
Wait what?
Nothing. A tent. Let's go.
*Sniff sniff* Huh?
Wait, what about the body?
what did you do with it?
Ah don't worry.
No worries. Tent! Rooms for each of us! Near the bathroom!
I don't deserve a room! *Sobs*
Why do I have a sinking into the abyss feeling in my stomach?
Cause you're a pussy and a dope. TENT!
*Deep sigh*
Grab one end of Quetzy here. Argh...you fat fucking snake!
Fine, but I'm taking the head!
shut up! I hate you. *Sob*
Lay off the all the sugary kids! You're getting rainbows all over me!
*Mumble* Was your idea. And it's a glandular problem, okay?
Can't you stop that?
I'm about two seconds from throwing the both of you into a river.
Ugh...low carb diet from now on, Quetzy
Ooo...yeah hey Cha-cha controlled the rivers I bet she could...oh wait...uhh...sorry. That whole...dead thing...
*Deep seething glare*
Don't call her Cha-cha.
And...me boning her....Yyyeeeah...COUGH
You want to die...that's it.
*Pouts*
Look the tent!
Why is it red and wet along the bottom?
Uhh...It was like this when I found it...
*Sniff* Is that...blood?
Wait...what's that in the back room?
Nothing! G'night!
Umm...maybe this isn't so bad. Makes me kind of thirsty though...
Really? Wait til you see the body!
Wait...I thought you took care of the body!
*Peaks into the tent* Geez, went a little crazy, didn't you there?
See! 40 inches right through the head!
*Shakes head*
Ha ha...
*Snickers* She looks more disappointed than...
...Idiots...
Hey I can take this room if you guys want. I could use another go.
*Zip*
*Looks horrified*
Oh heavens no!
What? I was gonna go take a leak! Geez. Fucking necros.
*Leaves to take a piss*
Huitzl, I think I'm about ready to start pounding the stupid out of your head if you don't stop leaving bodies in our wake!
Well, the last couple were more of a group effort...
*Pissing right outside tent*
You better not be peeing on the tent!
I'm walkin on sunshine ooooOOOoooo!
I could have been killed with my wife, but no...I had to live.
Ah...there we go...no wait...
So...what do we do now?
Hey I'm back, stinkies! Is she getting any deader?
Umm, actually she's getting kind of...rank...
*Deeper sigh* If you don't take care of her...
So about this plan Tlaloc.
Body first, plan later.
HEAVY FUCKING SIGH! Fine.
*Pulls sword out of head, cleans on loin cloth*
Ugh I think she's leaking.
Neat....he...Yeah! She is...
Umm...through the wound or...?
Did you have to go for the head Huitzl?
Well she wouldn't have died right off. So uhh...duh yeah?
Okay brilliant...now what? She's still oozing all over the tent. And I keep getting hungrier.
*Looking at the blood* It's like old times...
Just...uh...give me a few more minutes...I'm going to drag this off into the woods and turn it into some sort of ball of feathers...COUGH
What is it with you and balls of feathers?
SHUT UP! *Runs off with body*
*Blinks*
*Distant crying*
If it isn't one imbocile it's the other.
Hey!
Light dawns on feathered head.
We still have to shake off that whole Christian army thing that we left behind.
*Distant crying broken up slightly*
So says the guy who can't handle a little blood. *Mumbling*
Between you spinning in rainbows and huitzl killing women with swords to the head we're practically leaving a trail for them to follow.
It's not my fault that kid was full of sugar.
*Distant cry* So many feathers...*distant crying resumes*
Did you have to eat her?
Umm...yes?
Gods, now you're all lumpy. why can't you just eat like a normal god?
...I can feel it wiggling...
*Shudder* Snakes are so gross.
Look who's talking, Mister god of leprosy. Who wants to be the patron of rotting flesh people?
And fertility!
.....So....rotting fertility? Ew.
Everyone forgets the fertility part just because I eat a few infant souls...and you're giving me a hard time for eating one kid.
Kids are stringy and I just like the soul. It's nice and chewy. Besides, she was too old.
*Returns red eyed and woozy* Ugh..Shut the fuck up you two.
You look like death.
I'll show you death.
*Sword* *Glare*
*Backs away slowly*
Buck-toothed frog face.
Bird beaked cry baby.
*Fingers nose* Is it that bad? I mean, Shut up! *Sheaths sword*
*sigh*
Quetzal, will you just sit still?
This is getting us no where.
Can we go to bed now?
Wait what about the new empire?
Yeah...I'm kind of sleepy.
Tomorrow.
But...
We will rebuild it tomorrow.
*pouts* Fine.
I hope this kid doesn't give me gas...
Ha ha. Farts.
You're sleeping near the door, Quetzal.
*Burps*
Welp, you want the bloody mattress, Tlaloc? Just roll around in it?
Uhh...uhh...
It's still warm...Mmm...
I...I shouldn't.
Uh...I think some of my blood's here too. Can't believe you stabbed me.
*Snickers*
what? I thought you couldn't feel anything!
well we all know how that turned out...
It's not my fault you bleed.
Nope couldn't feel a thing just thought I'd scream like a banshee because it was fun. Ass.
Bitch.
I'll take the blood mattress and try and reabsorb my vitals.
...Good...
And plot your death. And maybe you, Quetzal.
*glare*
I didn't do anything. You're the one that let my civilization be destroyed.
Yeah, but we're mortal enemies.
*sigh* Shut up, Quetzal.
Finally you're on my side.
Shut up, Huitzl.
'Oh look, there's a spanish guy with a funny hat, it must be the second coming'
Grr..Fine.
Stupid.
G'night Billy Jane.
Billy Jane?
It's a pop culture reference. Just say good night and stop talking.
What do you know about pop culture?
I've been around.
Ugh...you two are going to give me nightmares.
Ha ha...Neat.
Shut it, Huitzl.
How you doing over there, Quetzal?
The sugar low is getting to me...sleepy....
Neat. *Fluffs Quetzal's tail onto his side and makes a pillow* Ahh...Fluffy.
Who am I kidding, this is my nightmare.
Hey, no drooling.
I don't drool.
You better not.
..Sweet sweet embrace of death...could of had...*Zzzzzzz*
*Sighs*

As Tlaloc slumbers, Huitzil rises for some midnight mischief.

Quetzal? *Pokes tail* Wake up you feathery 'tard.
Mmph...wha?
You awake?
Whaddaya want?
You wanna see something cool?
You woke me up to ask if I wanted to see something cool?
*Snickers under breath*
I hate you so much.
No no! You can only see it at night! C'mon! You're gonna loooooove it!
*Huge sigh* Fine.
Okay...*Dips Quetzal's tail in some of the still liquidy blood*
Hey hey! What are you doing?
Shh!! Don't wake him up!
What are you doing? Come on, I just got clean.
Just come over to Tlaloc's side. *Sneaks over to Tlaloc and kneels next to him*
*Grumbling hatred but does so*
*Waves Quetzal closer* Take your little tail end and flick in front of his nose. *Snicker*
What? Why?
Just do it, man!
I don't know if it's such a good idea...
You won't regret it. I swear.
This better be good *Fwip fwip*
*Sniff sniff*
*Snicker*
Look..lookit his teeth.
*Drools*
They're getting longer.
Hehehe!
It's like a facial erection.
Put it a little closer.
*Snorts*
Just a bit.
*Fwip fwip*
*Holding back laughter* He's getting all pale.
*Giggling now*
Mmmmm.
Put it right on his lips...!
Hehehe!!!
*Fwip, swipe*
*Bite*
*Blink*
*Nibble nibble slurp*
AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!
Oh shit!
GET HIM OFF!!!
Pull it out pull it out!
Guh...wha...what the hell!
:::tug tug::: HE WON'T LET GO!
*Spits out tail*
*Socks Tlaloc in the face*
*Cries* He hit bone *Goes and curls up in a corner*
Ow...
Look what you did!
*Cries*
You hurt poor little Quetzy!
You hurt poor little me!
Because you were hurting him! You and your wicked bloodlust!
why was his tail in my mouth?
You bit him! DER!
*Whimpers* Oh...oh...I think you chipped the bone!
But why was his tail in my face? I thought you were sleeping on him!
I was! You gotta get a hold on this blood thing, man.
*Sigh*
I'm trying okay? The twelve step thing is hard to stay on.
You were doing so well. Tsk tsk.
I hate you so much, Huitzl.
Shut up.
*sulk*...Wait what?
You put it too close.
You told me to go closer!
Not that close!
What the hell were you two doing?!
Tlaloc...uhh...your teeth...
What?
*Snicker*
What?!
*Sniffle, weak laugh, cries again*
Ha ha...put those away little kids are present! *Points at Quetzal*
What do...*Realizes teeth erection* Oh...um...
*Falls over laughing*
shut up, Huitzl!
*Is torn between laughing and crying*
You dirty little man!
Ahhh...ha ha...eee...that was fun.
I hate you both so much. So much.
No it wasn't! My tail hurts!
I had fun.
I should just drown myself. Or hanging...I heard hanging is a good way.
Do we have spines?
Umm...mine's kind of bendy...
I mean...I discovered I had organs...Hmmm...
Umm...I think we have spines?
*Awkward silence* *Cough*
Ermmm...
Why do you want to know?
Do we know anything about ourselves?
Sure, you're an ass and he's a cry baby.
I just took a piss...But Quetzal doesn't have a bladder. Do you have a bladder?
Umm...I don't...know?
*Thinks* Ow.
Don't do it too hard.
My stab wound hurts.
Apparently I do the other thing...Otherwise I don't know where Tlaloc's keychain is going to come out...
Or where I put my hand.
Ugh...if it weren't a gift from my wife I'd let you keep it, Quetzy.
Wait...Tlaloc why do you have keys?
Umm...for my...my...I don't know
Yeah...I mean...do you have a car?
Maybe it's my car. Let's go steal a car!
Wait what?
C'mon!
If we have keys they have to be to something.
I bet some stupid human has a sweet ass car!
Why would we need to steal a car if we possibly have one already?
But...why would he have some human's keys?
I'll drive!
Do you know how?
Quetzy, you can sit in the back! Tlaloc, you can ride in the trunk!
*Glare*
You love burning rubber! I'll peel out!
But...you've never driven, how do you know?
Why do I get the feeling that this is a bad idea.
And we can go pick up some sweet chicks....and eat em!
Uh...I know now this is a bad idea.
Ugh...no more sweets.
Not peeps, stupid! Hotties!
Huitzl...no.
Will they worship us?
Uhm...They will me. Right before they die.
Bad idea. Bad...idea...
Blood, Tlaloc. Sweet hot running blood.
So...it'll be like old times, then?
After what just happened to, Quetzy? No...no more blood.
*Get closer to Tlaloc* Oooooooozing from orifices...
Stop it.
Sloughing down temple steps. *Snickering*
But...I...dry for...
*Next to his ear* Sweeeeet lovely...flowing from wounds and down thighs...can't you tasssssste it?
I...uh..*licks lips*...
C'mon. For old times sake. We built the first empire on blood.
It'll be fun!
But...I...
We can rebuild the next.
I...I...
Wait.
Huh?
Why am I talking to this schmo? You and I are the big gods, Quetzy ol pal.
Hey...fertility god here.
Hey...that's right...
Who wants to kill, huh? Who is it? Huh? Who's a good blood god, eh? Who is it! Who is it!
Yay! Blood!
That's right! It's you!
*Getting excited, tail is twitching slightly*
It's like the stupid leading the more stupid.
*Rubs feathers* There's a good wittle blood god, yes ums is.
*Feathers puff up in a pride-like manner*
*To Tlaloc* He's the one who doesn't remember he doesn't like copious amounts of blood...
Wait, what?
Ah...lighten up T-man! *Grabs Tlaloc around shoulders*
*Grumble mumble*
Let's go have a night on the town!
I...guess.
Paint it red with the blood of new believers! It'll be good for us.
Yay! New believers!
Fine.
Hooray! Let's go get that car!
Can I drive too?
Wait, what car?
*Leaps out of tent, rending it in half*
I'm driving!
*Follows* Aww come on, just for a little bit!
*Hurries after* Huitzl!
You don't have hands stupid!
What car?
Whee hee heee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! MY car!
You don't even know if you have a car!
Oh...right.
I will as soon as I get there!
*Freezes*
What?
What's a car?
*Blinks* I thought you knew.
I thought you knew.
Uhm...I was completely pulling it out of my ass.
...Not the first time...
You've got stuff coming out of your ass soon, so shut up. Hey! You can fly! *Mounts Quetzal* YEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!
Why do I have doubts about this one, Huitzl?
Hey! Get off me! *Whips around trying to get him off*
*Hangs on* Faster!
It's an idiot parade.
Grab on Tlaloc!
LET GO! You're pulling my feathers!
*Smashes Huitzl into a tree*
Guk...
My spine.
If you crippled him, Quetzal, you're carrying him.
He wouldn't get off!
*Slides down onto ground*
I think my stab wound opened up. Ugh...
Just don't poke it again That'll only make things worse.
Maybe it would be healed by now if you hadn't decided to bang some random human.
I'm serious...I'm hurting really bad right now. Ach.
*Grumbles* Serves you right.
Why why why why why...?
*Coughs up some blood* Owie.
I don't think you're supposed to do that, Huitzl.
I feel like I'm going to die...Whatever that's supposed to feel like.
We should get him some help or something.
No, let the jerk die.
I will destroy you...if I survive.
C'mon, Tlaloc. If he dies, it'll just be us...and maybe the possible surviving other gods. Please let's get him some help?
Fine. Where do we take him? How can we help him? It's probably something with internal, or, if he has a skeleton, something skeletal.
I want to go home...I can heal there.
Oh no! Back to our empire?! It's too dangerous! There are angels there now!
He's right, Huitzil. We can't go back. We'll all be killed.
We can hide in the fallen temples. They must still be hallowed ground. Why would angels go in there? Agh...please? Can you at least take me there to die? As a final request?
Don't talk like that. Okay. We'll go back, but only to observe...and maybe bury your carcass. We should go now.
I've lived a good life. Ruler of an empire Quetzalcoatl abandoned, sexer of women and feathers...torturer...
Just calm down! Quetzal, get him on your back and we'll go.
Ew, but he's all bloody and mean!
Just do it! It looks like he's passed out. We have to be quick.

The three gods asembled together and used their godly powers to travel to modern day Mexico to save their...uh..."friend" Huitzilopochtli. Will they save him in time? Do they want to? Will they ever find out whether they have internal working or not?

Find out next time in Chapter Five: The Return

There. Not the best colored image I've ever done, but here is the level-headed Tlaloc, the sad and fluffy Quetzalcoatl, and the evil vicious Huitzilopochtli.

Having escaped the terrible fate of their empire, the three Aztec gods (Tlaloc, Huitzilopochtli and Quetzalcoatl) find shelter in a bar in the future (80's maybe?). However, the drama of the evening is only beginning. Tlaloc discovers that the god of war, Huitzil, has slept with his wife and that he was the only drunken one at a pulque party and was probably embarassing himself immensely. Now they seek out their missing friend Quetzal who disappeared into the bathroom hours ago.

What will they find?!

Let's see!

Quetzal?
What the...?
How do you think he got in there?

Tlaloc and Huitzil behold a feathery tail hanging out of a toilet and flipping about idly. Gargling, distant crying comes from below the toilet. The two gods not crammed in the toilet look to each other, then back to their submerged friend.

Quetzal, are you okay?
*Gargle gargle cry sob gargle*
Ha ha ha.
Shut up, you're hurting his feelings. Quetzal, did someone do this to you?
*Gargle their all gargle dead! It's all gargle my fault!*
So you crammed half of yourself down the toilet?
*Gargle cry sob gargle*
You are such a sissy.
Shut up! C'mon, Quetzal! Come outta there.
He's being a total baby about this.
*Gargle cry gargle*
People die all the time from this sort of thing. You're acting as if you're the only one who cares. Tlaloc's all melancholy about it, too.
I am not.
*Gargle*
We've gotta pull him out.
I'm not helping him. He can stay in there.
How can you be so insensitive?
*Garble sob sob sob*
Shut up!
We can figure out what to do with ourselves! We can start a new empire! We just have to gather the other Aztec gods and work something out!
You're an idiot, Tlaloc! It'd never work! There aren't enough believers, just as you said, and there aren't enough gods left!
Quetzal and you can start a new battle, just the first time and let a few humans see you!
You're not listening to me!
*Gargle cry gargle*
I can find Chalchiuhtlicue and...!
CHA-CHA IS DEAD!

Tlaloc stares at Huitzil as he breathes heavily. The only sound is the muffled gargling of Quetzal and the switching of his tail.

What?
I'm...I'm sorry, Tlaloc. Cha-cha is dead.
But...When? How?
It was at the beginning of the invasion. She couldn't find you and thought the angels may have taken you so she went into their ranks to find you. She was killed on site.
She...You didn't stop her?
Uhm, I'm a god of war. I like carnage.
You son of a bitch...you fucked my wife and then let her kill herself?
I didn't make myself this brutal, man. I said I was sorry. I can't bring her back so just deal with it...And get Quetzal out of the toilet.
She's gone...
j - Uhm, guys?

Tlaloc and Huitzil stop dead in their actions and look to the next stall over. Feet peer out from underneath.

What is that?
Hello?
j - Hey...
How long have you been there?
j - The whole time.
Any chance you could forget about us?
j - Uhm...
*Gargle we gotta gargle kill him gargle*
What? What, no! We can't do that!
He's got a point. I kind of want to kill that guy.
We can't kill him, guys! Chill out!
*Gargle Let me kill him! gargle!*
You are in a toilet, Quetzal! Just shut up!
I could kill him...
Nobody's killing anybody!
*Gargle I might gargle*
SHUT UP!
Looks like you need to calm down, Tlaloc.
j - Are you guys really going to kill me?
Stay out of this, human! Okay, look, we need to calm down and think about this. We need to get out of this bar and clean up and - what're you doing, Huitzil?
Hey! There's another guy in this stall!
j - That's my brother, Stephanie.
Stephanie?!
s - My mom was kind of confused...
Yeah well you both sound gay to me.
s and j - Hey! That's not nice!
Shut up! Just everybody shut up!
Calm down, Tlaloc, you're losing you're greenish glow.
You fucked my wife and then let her die and you want me to be CALM?! Just die already, Huitzilopochtli!
Geez, relax man!
*Gargle Yeah, gargle relax!*
Quetzal your head is in a toilet! Don't tell me what to do!
s - Are you really going to kill Jeff?
I'm going to kill both of you.
No you're not!
j - Aw, you're a sweetie, whatever-you-are!
He's totally gay, man.
Okay...(sigh) I think I have an idea. We can use Jeff as a prophet for our next religion. He can reintroduce us...
I'm not having some gay guy tell the world about us! He'd make us out to be gay!
*Gargle I am so not gargle gay!*
Well if we leave him like this he's going to tell people about us anyway.
And if he doesn't, Stephanie will.
s - I'm good at keeping secrets!
Yeah well you got one secret that everyone knows, honey!
j - Leave Stephanie alone!
*Gargle I want to kill gargle both of them, gargle Tlaloc!gargle*
Fine! We'll kill them! But I've got an idea about how to start a new religion for ourselves!
j - Dammit.
s - Sonovabitch.
Really? You have an idea? Even though it's just us?
Yes, but I need to think about it. First of all, let's get Quetzal out of the toilet.
I'm not touching him.
Quetzal, won't you come out of the toilet? I'll make you a deal!
*Gargle?*
Tlaloc, what're you...?
Shh! Quetzal...how about every month, every woman in the world will crave your creation, chocolate, like no other thing?
*Gargle*
Chocolate will be revered as the most important food in the world to all women at least once a month!
What're you talking about? They...
Shut up!
*Gargle blood? gargle*
Yes! There will be blood! They will bleed and crave chocolate like nothing else!
Blood from the vagina...
*Gargle What was that gargle?*
Shut up. Nothing, Quetzal. Women everywhere will want your chocolate and bleed for you. Now won't you please come out of the toilet?
*Gargle I can't gargle I'm stuck gargle*
Dammit...
Okay, we'll pull you out.
*Gargle Tlaloc, your keys gargle are in here gargle*
What? Seriously? Grab them!
He doesn't have any hands, Tlaloc.
Okay well bite onto them, Quetzal! Okay grab onto his tail, Huitzil.
Yeah O-What the hell are you covered in?! Did someone shit on you?!
*Gargle sob gargle*
Jeffy did you shit on him?!
j - No! It was Stephanie!
s - I thought he was a soft feathery toilet seat!
You are so lucky you are both dying as soon as we leave.
s - Dammit.
Oh poor Quetzal...Well latch onto him, Huitzil.
Uhhhhgh, it's so gross...Oh! Sorry Quetzal!
*Gargle!*
What?
I think I hit his anus.
Wh...? Whatever. Just pull! Quetzal, bite onto my keys and we'll haul you out! Ready?
Ready!
*Gargle!*

Tlaloc and Huitzil slide Quetzal out of the toilet. The giant feathery serpent is covered in feces and looks very sad. Tlaloc and Huitzil fall to the floor as the god pops out. They look up at each other.

Hey, where are my keys?
You are disgusting!
Uhm...I may or may not have swallowed them on the way out...
What?! Oh crap!
Ha ha, you said crap.
Shut up.
Your feathers look and feel like what they are covered in.

Quetzal flicks shit at Huitzil and accidentally hits Tlaloc as well.

Oh you are so dead you shit-covered snake.
Can we move on please?!
Sorry about your keys, Tlaloc.
Ugh...the smell is making me naseaus. Let's get cleaned up at some park with showers and think about this new religion we can build.
Your keys are in the stomach of a flying, rainbow-crapping feather-boa.
Hey!
We'll get them out.
How?
We could cut them out.
Ack!
We're gods! We can't feel pain and we can't die from injury! Watch.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHGGGHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!
Oh shit!
What did you stab me with?! Oh God!!
Tlaloc, you stabbed Huitzil! He's bleeding all over the place!
Oh...uh...hmmm. I didn't think that'd happen. See I was going to cut you open and then seal you back up, but uhh...apparently...
Is this my organ?! Oh got it is! I can feel my organs!
Well don't put your finger in there!
You stay away from me, Tlaloc!
I've gotta sit down, I don't feel so good...
Stuff some toilet paper in there. Quetzal, I'm not going to cut you open. But I need my keys.
Seriously, I'm about to pass out...
j - Hey your blood is leaking over into my stall.
Augh...I hate you, human. You are so lucky you're going to be dead soon.
Quetzal, you can disarticulate your jaw, right?
Yeah.
Well...just lemme crawl down there and get my keys.
Ha...Augh...Oh God, it's getting kind of cold in here.
Stop being a baby, Huitzil. So just open your mouth, Quetzal. And please don't eat me.
I won't eat you.
Yeah, he likes flowers and shit like that.
Huitzil, make sure he doesn't eat me.
I'm not gonna eat you!
Okay just open your mouth...A little wider.
Can oob ee em?
Hold on, I have to go in further...Ugh...Quetzal, did you eat shit?!
Uuumm...ay-ee?
This is so gross...
Ow...ow...
Okay I think I can see...yes those are my keys! Hold on Quetzal!
Can we move along, please?!
Shut up. Go get more alcohol you drunken slob!
I'm not drunk!
Oo are ohhhh runk!
Shut up, shit snake. Argh. I'm not drunk.
Hagh...ugh, okay I got my keys. Thanks for not eating me, Quetzal.
No problem, you taste terrible.
You ate shit and I taste bad?
Well...
Leave him alone, he's an idiot.
Well, I got my...hey where's my keychain?! Oh no! That was a gift from Chalchiuhtlicue! Ohh...
I'm sorry, Tlaloc. Well...you will get them again soon!
They'll be covered in shit!...Which was originally shit! Oh my sweet Chalchiuhtlicue...I'm so sorry.
You are so emo, Tlaloc.
You're a heartless jerk, Huitzil.
It's because I'm drunk!
You said you weren't drunk!
I fucking lied because I'm fucking dying because you fucking stabbed me you fucker!
s - Such language.
Shut the fuck up, Stephanie!!
Okay, I've got my keys...I'll get the keychain later. We've got get cleaned up and patch up Huitzil.
Ow...Augh...
Quetzal?
What was your keychain?
A small pointy mace.
Ha ha ha, argh.
I could tell...
(Sigh) Let's just go.
j - Are you still going to kill us?
Yes.
You better believe it.
Yup.
s - Shit.

Tlaloc, Huitzil and Quetzal leave the bathroom and the bar.

j - Stephanie?
s - Yeah Jeff?
j - Mom liked me better.

The bar explodes in a huge firey blast from what seems like nothingness.

Stay tuned for Entry 4: The Park

The three Aztec gods (Tlaloc, Huitzilopochtli [who will no longer be in capitals] and Quetzalcoatl) fled their empire and jumped into the future to find a safe haven to figure things out. Tlaloc and Huitzil sit at the bar, the former in utter sadness, the other trying to get drunk. They have barely disguised themselves.

Oh...cheer up, man.
I can't, Huitzil...I feel awful. They're all dead.
Humans do that.
But they were killed and not for us.
Well I'm not saying you have to be happy about it, man. We did get screwed out of our empire.
Yeah...

A silence falls over them. Huitzil decides to lighten the mood, or at least ignore Tlaloc's feelings.

Hey, do you remember that party we had when the followers invented pulque?
Heh...yeah.
We all got so wasted. And there were orgies and stuff...
Y...Wait, what? Orgies?
Ha ha. You were so funny! I laughed at you all night long!
Hold on, go back...
And there was that one goddess...Damn, she was all over you.
Goddess?!
She hit that stuff pretty hard. Thought you were some sort of...
Huitzil! What are you talking about?! You were the D.D. for the night! What happened?!
Oh...well...uhm, look, it's best I don't go into it, if you can't remember it.
I'm serious! What goddess?! You were sober, weren't you?
Okay, well you're not going to like this, but we got a little confused. She was going around taking the form of sexy things in front of all the gods and she came over to you and you were so out of your mind you went down on her.
Oh my God! (I realize the irony, but it's a good shout) Please tell me you're joking!
Oh no worries, she got a little sick of you after a while and shoved you off.
Oh God...Oh what will Chalchiuhtlicue think? What DID she think?!
She was a little tied up.
With what?
With me.

Tlaloc spits his drink all over the bar.

YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE?!
I didn't know!
Why did you sleep with her?!
I thought she was...er...the goddess you were having your way with.
Why would you sleep with my wife?
Well she is very very sexy...
Huitzil...ohhh...I'm going to be sick...How could you? Why didn't you tell me?
Ah, look, big guy, we were both confused and didn't want to talk about it afterwards. It was kind of embarassing, thinking that she was someone else and I was...me.
Auch. I...uhhhh...Well there aren't any bastard children to predict are there?
Nah.
Oh good...
I mean, I was the D.D. so it's ah...

Huitzil falls into silence. Tlaloc thinks this over.

If you were the D.D....who was sober...WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH MY WIFE?!
Look, you need to stop drinking now...
I'm fucking serious! What happened?! Why the fuck did you have sex with my wife?!
Tlaloc, people are staring. Just calm down...Okay. Look, nobody wanted to tell you after the party, but...you were the only one who got seriously wasted. You were stumbling around, slurring it up and trying to hump a cactus. That sexy goddess showed up and you jumped on her. While you were busy, Cha-cha-
Don't call her Cha-cha!
Cha-cha and I looked at each other more passionately than ever before. And...we just did it. We were quiet about it because...Are you crying?
No, I'm going to be sick...
This is why we didn't tell you!
How could you, either of you, do this to me? I'm a good friend and a good husband and you had an affair! I feel...I feel like nothing makes sense or means anything anymore!You...You...
If you're going to throw up, at least use the bathroom, man.
I officially hate you, Huitzlopochtli...And I hope you fucking die.
Come off it, Tlaloc.
Son of a bitch...
Hey, you were the one who went on a pulque bender.

Huitzil takes another swig as Tlaloc grumbles.

Hey, where's Quetzal?
He...Wasn't he just here a second ago?
He went to the bathroom last I remember.
Oh no! What if he's killed himself in there?!
Uhm, stupid? He's immortal. But he can't be using the facilities because he doesn't have a bladder. I wonder what he's doing in there.
Then...? What could he be doing in there?

Huitzil and Tlaloc looked to each other, then to the men's bathroom door, then back to each other.

Eeeeeww...
Come on, you retard...He's probably not doing that. He could be in trouble. Maybe a theologist caught him or something.
Fine but if he's playing with his own personal feathery serpent, you owe me like...three beers.
You're drunk now.
I am not!

Tlaloc and Huitzil approached the bathroom door cautiously, nodded to each other and stepped into the florescent lighting, only to behold a site few mortals have seen.

Stay tuned for Entry 3: The Toilet

Summer 1519.

Tlaloc and Huitzilopochtli (Huitzil from now on...) sit upon the largest temple in the Aztec empire, watching the place go to hell as Cortez's men rip through the people like tissue paper.

Huh.
YEAH.
Why do you think he's doing that?
BEATS ME. WHO KNOWS WHERE HE'S BEEN ALL THESE YEARS? HE COULD'VE PICKED IT UP SOMEWHERE.
Seems like an awful waste...despite all the blood.
THE BLOOD IS NICE...

Awkward silence. Suddenly a rustling from behind the perched gods. Enter Quetzacoatl.

Hey guys! I'm back from HOLY SHIT!! WHAT'S GOING ON?!
Quetzal? What...?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
That's what I want to know! What did you two do?
It wasn't me...
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE ME, BUT IT ISN'T.
He's killing everyone! Do something!
WELL WE CAN'T...
Why?!
Well...we thought that was you.
...
Yeah.
I don't look anything like him!
WELL WE EACH THOUGHT THAT AT FIRST BUT YOU COULD'VE TAKEN ON A DIFFERENT SHAPE AND LED ALL THESE PALE PEOPLE HERE!
Yeah! We stepped back to wait for the second-coming!
Do not back him up, Tlaloc.
I'm just saying...
OKAY, WELL IF THAT'S NOT YOU, WHO IS IT?
It's some human killing off all our believers! Stop him!
We told you we can't! There aren't enough Aztecs left to gain control of this place!
WAIT...
So you mean...?
I'm afraid it's over, guys.

Another awkward moment.

That's it? It just ends like this? All my people are dead, our religion is meaningless and we're the only ones left?
WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES LEFT.
Really? Who else stayed?
I DIDN'T SAY THEY STAYED. THEY'RE ALL GONE. THEY MAY HAVE SURVIVED. THEY JUST AREN'T HERE.
So we may be the only ones left?
POSSIBLY.
Ooohh...my empire...my people.
OH LOOKIT HIM, HE'S CRYING.
Oh lay off him, Huitzil. He began this whole empire and religion. He can feel sad if he wants.
You two assholes didn't even stop them!
HEY WATCH THE NAME CALLING.
I was supposed to return and overthrow you!
OKAY, LOOK...
I wanted to start a whole new world! I've been to foriegn lands and seen other gods and learned new things! This place was going to change! You just let that mortal kill them! You both just sat back and watched!
Quetzal...
I cannot believe you two! The idiocy between you is thick enough to cut!
HEY SHUT UP! YOU LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE! ONE OF US HAD TO TAKE OVER AND SINCE TLALOC IS A PUSSY-
Hey!
-I TOOK OVER THIS PLACE! THE PEOPLE BECAME NATURALLY VIOLENT AND WAITED FOR YOUR RETURN! YOU JUST SHOWED UP TOO LATE!
You hummingbird-faced freak!
FEATHER-BRAIN!
Guys! Quit it! We've got to get out of here!
Why don't you just throw this worthless deity to the Spaniard!
IS THAT WHAT HE IS? HEY! I MEAN, SHUT UP!
I'm serious! Don't you see what's on the horizon?!

Tlaloc points over the lake. Huitzil and Quetzal peer.

WHITE PUFFY CLOUDS?
Feathers?
Don't you guys know what those are?!
I have seen them in my travels...
They're angels!
THOSE THINGS IN SHAPES?
Those are angles you pointy freak!
WATCH IT...
Focus! Those are angels! They are from the new religion!
Oh no. Christianity?!
WUZZAT?
It is taking another part of the world by storm! A very violent storm!
COOL.
No not cool! They are marching on our empire to convert the survivors! They force religion on the weak and wipe out polytheism!
IS THAT ANOTHER SHAPE?
You are so freaking stupid, you know that, right?
WHY DON'T YOU GO SHINE YOUR FANGS?
No, Tlaloc is right! You are stupid! But more importantly, we've got to get out of here!
BUT THE BATTLE'S NOT OVER!
It will be shortly! The angels will swoop in here and behead us if we don't get out of here and find a safe place to hide!
I'm not exactly ready to say goodbye to my extrememities!
HAHA...YOU SAID...
Shut up!
One is coming this way! Do not bend over for anything!
WHY?
Just don't!

An angel flies over to the temple, flaming sword in hand. The three Aztec gods stare upwards into his glorious golden locks.

I'm...going to have to ask you three to leave. And if...uhh...you don't leave quietly...yeah, I'm going to have to...uhm...Ssss...Kill you...
WHY DOES IT TALK LIKE THAT?
Please, angel! We only ask that you leave our empire in peace! We mean you no harm! Except maybe Huitzil...
YEAH, I LIKE HURTING STUFF.
'fraid I can't do that...y'see, uhm, Our Father is, uh, pretty keen on this place.
Why? We are a simple agricultural empire...
...WITH LOTS OF BLOODSHED...
...with lots of bloodshed, but we mean well. How can a powerful religion such as yours ever be threatened by us?
Look, I don't make the rules, guys...I just enforce them. Now...ya gotta leave. Sorry. You'd better scatter. I'm one of the nicer angels.
We'd better do as he says, guys.
I CAN TAKE HIM.
Huitzil, you are such an ass!
SHOVE, IT QUETZAL.
I'm serious guys. I'm about three minutes from killing you.
Okay, we're going. Come on, Huitzil...Come on!
NO! NO! THIS IS MY EMPIRE! I WAS CONCEIVED FROM A BALL OF FEATHERS HERE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!
We're sorry, he's a terrible baby once you get past the rough ex...
Leave!
Thank you for sparing us, angel!
I'm only saving you for later...
WHAT?

Tlaloc, Huitzil and Quetzal all disappeared, but not into oblivion. They travelled to a distant future. Distant enough to have bars and toilets.

Join us next time! Entry 2: The Bar

This is the story of three Aztec gods who survived the destruction of their empire.

Tlaloc (whose dialog looks like this) is the fertility god. He enjoys baby souls and blood.

Huitzilopochtli (WHOSE DIALOG LOOKS LIKE THIS) is the war god who likes hearts, blood and was conceived when his mother was hit by a ball of feathers.

Quetzacoatl (whose dialog looks like this) is the big-time god of the Aztec empire. Cortez's invasion was mistaken for his return to his people. He is a giant feathered snake who like flowers.

Caution: This story may cause you to die of convulsions, being that it was originally spoken outloud to another person in the car (two voices of which I did) and done very dramatically. Please enjoy.

UPDATES RANDOMLY SO PLEASE ADD ME AS A FRIEND! ENTRY 1: The Slaughter COMING SOON!